I’m still not ready to call my butt a “bumper.”
Ok. If you’re a regular reader, you know I don’t do a ton of product reviews on here. There isn’t even a category for it (there’s a Movie Review category because at one point I thought I was gonna try to do reviews of movies I went to alone where I jack off in the back row when I get bored of the movie). But I do buy, order, receive, and get sent a ton of stuff, which – when it’s good – I wanna make sure I tell you about.
Obviously, not everything is good. But some stuff is real worth your spend. And a lot of that stuff comes from Fort Troff.
Here’s your disclosure: I really, really like what Fort Troff does, as a brand. I think they’ve done a marvelous job of carving out a niche for themselves that is raunchy and seductive without being classless and trashy. They get a wide breadth of super hot dudes modeling their product, and they go the extra mile, producing videos that show you how to use their stuff, too. It’s pretty flawless. If you’re in the market for stuff to amp up your penis or put into your butt, FT should be a first stop. But they’re not paying me to say this or like stuff I don’t like.
Additional disclosure: FT did send me some of their skin lightener earlier this year, but I had purchased and used it before then.
Now. Let’s talk about the jizz.
While it’s primarily a retailer for a curated collection of sex toys and gear, Fort Troff also self-produces some of their best products. They’ve got these underwears that I was so jazzed about at the top of the year, they make a gag-reducing spray (which I’m suspicious might be just repurposed Chloraseptic, but sort of does the job), and then there’s their famous cum lube, which, is exactly what it sounds like. It’s not my bag, but if you like cum, this is pretty much it – in a bottle (or by the gallon).
But their star product in their self-produced lines, is clearly Fort Troff Bumper Brite:
“Developed just for us and tested by over 100 Grunts, Bumper Brite is proven to lighten ‘n even out the darker tone of your tuckus to match the surrounding skin. This cream reveals the real YOU.”
I’m vain. I am. I’m worried about how I look and I’m worried about getting older. I’m a meticulous groomer, and I don’t have any trouble spending money on skincare, haircuts, facials, waxings, manicures, etc, etc, etc. But I’m also a believer that an ounce of prevention is worth $500 (give or take) worth of cure. So when I noticed in my early 20s that the skin around my butthole was beginning to darken a bit (don’t ask a lot of questions here – suffice it to say that, as part of my vanity and grooming, I spend enough time while clippering my ass fuzz to notice gradual changes. And also maybe I just like looking at my butt in the mirror while I write overly meticulous and personal product reviews. What’s it to you? You think you’re better than me?) and I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do about it.
After a bit of research, I was pretty convinced that it wasn’t a lack of hygiene that was causing the slightly discolored tone. I don’t know why I thought it would be that, but I was relieved that my initial hypothesis involving scratchy toilet paper and too much coffee proved false. It turns out that anal, perineal, and genital skin just IS extra pigmented on many people. The same way your areola/nipple skin is. The fact that we wear binding clothes constantly and maybe don’t pay as much attention to areas of our bodies that we can’t see directly probably contributes to the situation, but mostly, it’s just how your body forms.
But, with the “rise in anal bleaching procedures” that is so perpetually discussed in the pages of Cosmo (and defined alternately as “scary” or “empowering,” depending on the day) it was only a matter of time before people came up with at-home solutions for me to try. And try I did! I bought just about everything anyone suggested online and spent time smushing them all, one at a time, into my ass skin.
In all honesty, the most effective product I ever used was purchased from a store in New York that sells homegoods and beauty supplies from India, some of which maaaay or may not be banned by the FDA because of how much cancer they probably cause. But ultimately, I decided that the risk wasn’t worth the comfort and luxury of a milky white butthole, and I stopped using it.
Imagine my excitement when I accidentally stumbled across Bumper Brite a few months later, with this infomercial-like video featuring my buddy Chris Harder!
If Wen haircare could sway me with just smiling ladies’ bouncing their newly shiny hair, you bestabelieve that Chris talking about different kinds of butts was enough to push Bumper Brite into my cart that first time.
I’m not certain I agree with his claim that it will change your life in just three days, but I’m also not doing it the recommended 2-3 times per day. That seemed excessive to me, and I’ve been super happy with what Bumper Brite has been able to do with just one application per day.
My normal routine is to wake up, read news and emails, then make coffee and head to the bathroom. After my shower, but before I brush my teeth and shave, I pop a quick yoga squat and apply an even layer of Bumper Brite to my, erm, bumper. I like to give it 45-60 seconds to set, otherwise it can feel a little wet/greasy, squishing around between your cheeks. It’s a good opportunity to wake up your squatting/sitting muscles with some time in Garland Pose, too. Then, I just stand up and go about my day. Although, I’m very often inclined to quote Patsy Stone about “…gnarled old oak trees have been wheeled into this hospital and gone out as saplings,” when thinking about how much younger my ass is going to look.
I don’t know how BB would work to treat very serious discoloration, but as a maintenance product, it’s more than great. I literally never give a second thought to how my butt looks when I’m naked, because I know that it’s pretty much perfect. If I could figure out how to enjoy cramming dicks in there, I’d be all set.
Luckily, Fort Troff has a product to help with that, too!