Subtitled: The Day Tyler Learned to Love Football.
Oh, mercy. You take a few days to be busy with other things, and post no blogs, and the best thing to happen all year takes place. I suppose it wouldn’t have mattered if I were busy or not, though, since it happened in one of the less likely places for me to look for such things: a football stadium. If you’re the same type of sportsfan I am, you likely missed the story of the on-field masturbator at the Raiders/Chargers game this week, so I’ll let VICE Sports get you up to speed:
Early this morning, a video that appears to show an Elite Security guard pleasuring himself on the Qualcomm Stadium turf Sunday afternoon during the San Diego Chargers game against the Oakland Raiders surfaced on the internet. It looks like the guard has one of his hands stuffed down his pants and is repeatedly pulling at, uh, something as he stands some five feet away from a group of Chargers cheerleaders.
When asked for comment on the video, Chargers director of public relations Bill Johnston provided a joint statement with the security firm acknowledging the video, and indicating they are investigating the “isolated incident.”
There are a lot of parts of this that I think are completely delicious, and I would like to start by saying that I can’t believe how “eh,” pretty much everyone is taking this (including the commenters on the VICE article!). That seems like a big step for a country that basically went blind with rage and confusion over sort of seeing part of Janet Jackson’s nipple a few years ago. I’m sure that my self-imposed media blackout has shielded me from the many ridiculous claims that children or women or small animals were irreparably harmed by this man’s under-the-pants action. But I’m not about to go in search of people acting dumb about jackin’ it.
Let’s watch the video and draw our own conclusions, shall we?
Ok… that looks… pretty much what it looks like. I would have a hard time arguing that something else was going on there. Can we gif it to make sure?
Oh my… yep. Yeah. I’ve seen guys masturbating their penises before, and this is most definitely what it looks like. Zoom and enhance?
Far be it from me to call this guy a hero, but there is nothing in my heart but awe and amazement at his audacity and sheer commitment to penis, and if he got a nut outta this before he got caught (there’s no video of that yet, sadly), I’d wager it was likely the best of his whole life. I’m not a sex performer, so I can’t actually imagine standing in the eyeline of an entire stadium full of people, staying hard, and getting all the way to the finish line, but if this dude can do it, god-fucking-bless.
You can read the VICE article here, including statements from both the SD Chargers, and the company that provides the security for the Chargers’ stadium (who employed this rockstar masturbator, and have likely subsequently fired him).
I bet this dude is in for a rough week/holiday span. So, bro, if you’re reading this, reach out. I’ll be glad to offer my congrats and heartfelt thank yous for making my Christmas week a little bit brighter with your bravery.
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