I know! I’m as surprised as anyone!

I don’t talk about it much (because I’m ashamed) but I’m a secret Groupon shopper, and I love it. They send me emails every day (for no fewer than 3 different cities) and I read all of them. A LOT of stuff in my house has come from Groupon Goods, including the computer I’m typing this on right now. I’ve booked travel, hotels, you name it. My tv came from Groupon. It’s actually bordering on a problem. I’d wager that everything that here didn’t come from Amazon has come from GG.

So it seems really peculiar that it would take this long for me to finally type “penis” into the Groupon search bar (which is something I do periodically, with any search bar. Just to see), and be blown away by what came back. But blown I was!

Groupon currently lists 319 different items and deals in the “sexual wellness” category, and about 55 of those are just “adult toys for men.” Now a lot of those toys for men are for straight guys and of little interest to me. Anything that says what it’s going to do to someones clitoris right on the packaging is usually a hard, disinterested ‘pass’ for me. Also, for some reason, straight guys think calling something a “cockring” sounds “gay” (I’m not kidding, there has been research) so any time you come across something labeled as a “c-ring” or “enhancement ring,” you can bet those are targeted towards heterobros (we love you guys, you just gotta lighten up about things seeming “gay” just cause we’re talking about penises).

Not that there’s any difference in their functionality, of course. It’s just a marketing thing. Although I have found that companies who don’t give a real fuck about calling something a cockring or penis ring tend to make more serious items (including gorgeous pyrex, steel, and wood rings) that are more fun to show off and play with. But a generic “c-ring” will usually get you to the same destination.

Enough about all of that, though. I’ve been in the market for a good (cheap) masturbator for a while now, ever since I had a mildly uncomfortable conversation with my doctor about what I assumed was the start of an STI (redness and irritation on my glans that came and went without any other symptoms or even any regularity) and he informed me that I was “probably whacking it too hard.”

Which is apparently something you can do. I didn’t know. He coached me through using less grip strength and aiming for a longer duration instead of the high-friction death grip I’ve grown very fond of. “Get a fleshlight or something similar and a lot of lube and stop being so aggressive,” was his literal suggestion. And it’s porobbaly good advice. Since I started using Uberlube and doing less fist-related bating, things do seem to have calmed down with my penis skin.

And now, I’ve got the Vulcan Wet Vagina to help out!

I know. I know. My friend asked me this morning why I picked this one, since the selection of penis toys on this particular Groupon deal seemed immense:

And the best response I could come up with was that it had the least offensive name. While I’m certainly interested in trying the other varieties and will be ordering additional ones as soon as I’m done writing this, it’s gonna be a struggle to get myself ok with the ones titled “Wet Anus” or “Ripe Mouth.”  I love how they look, and they’re compact enough to keep right by the computer (there’s even a handy strap for hanging them to dry once you’ve filled them and washed them!) so perhaps it will be worth just peeling off the shrinkwrap label identifying it as the “Vulcan Loveskin Ripe Anus,” and enjoying it without thinking about it too much.

There’s nothing especially revolutionary about these masturbators, except that they’re shockingly inexpensive (and a little bit loud, if I’m being honest. I’d bet my neighbors can hear its aggressive wheezing while my cock pushes out the air trapped in the container, over and over), and Groupon delicately describes them thusly:

• Designed to feel realistic with a textured quality and natural ridging
• Textured inner tunnel
• Waterproof design is ideal for the tub or shower
• Insertability: 5”, open-ended

Non-vibrating stokers:

Designed with side air holes to provide suction with every stroke
Use with or without the plastic casing for different sensations
Use without plastic casing for a tighter grip

Vibrating strokers

Removable mini bullet can be used inside the stroker for a more intense vibration or attached to the top allowing for vibrations throughout the stroker
Use without plastic casing for a tighter grip

They feature a really detailed inner lining with lots of little bumpies and ridges that actually feel pretty amazing.

Groupon does a great job showing and detailing the differences between each of styles, with photos to show you exactly what your penis is in for. But to be honest, at ten bucks a pop, even if they weren’t that specific I’d probably keep buying them. The listing says they’ve sold over 5,000 of these, which isn’t a huge surprise, since they retail for nearly twice as much on Amazon. But it also says ‘limited time’ which means they might disappear from here at any time without warning. My only disclaimer on this is that if your cock is especially fat, you’re gonna be in for some rough going here. It’s not impossible to make it work, but mine is pretty well stretched around my average width dick, and I can’t imagine much more going in without wrecking this.

I’m about to stock up (mostly so they show up as a work supplies write-off for this calendar year) and I highly recommend you do too.

I don’t have a bad word to say about the Vulcan Wet Vagina, except that maybe we revisit that title before we produce any more of these, yeah? I’m thrilled to see such a mainstream company being so incredibly adult about a product like this, and I’m personally grateful that they steer clear of any euphemisms or ‘naughty‘ language and just present them for what they are. 2 for you, Groupon.

-t

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