Are there scarier words in the English language than “we need to talk?”

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Welcome to 2017, everybody! We’ve all got fresh clean slates with which to start the year off, and we’re keeping up with resolutions, if that’s our thing. I want to take this opportunity to discuss some things that we maybe wouldn’t talk about otherwise, because they exist outside the realm of decorum that I tend to abide by here (I’m sure you’re rolling your eyes at the notion that decorum factors in to any of the stuff I write or say here, but it really does, and there is stuff I dance around saying for fear that it might hurt someone’s feelings or make them feel ashamed or left out). So we’re starting a new tag here, entitled We Need To Talk.

WNTT is going to be about things that are maybe sort of icky, or personal, or that just don’t get discussed in any real way in our adult lives. I don’t want to limit the topic by listing out all of the things I’ve got in mind for it, but expect diatribes about hygiene, behaviors, language, and manners as they relate to sex and sexuality.  It’s going to be very educational, I’m sure.

 

I want to start us off today, by asking to talk to you about ejaculating (cumming/busting/shooting/whatever your favorite term is) and how it factors in to the sex we’re having with ourselves and others. Now, this isn’t going to be about fucking, specifically, because I feel like that’s a slippery slope into conversations about bareback sex where I tend to sound judgmental and prudish (imagine!) and I really make an effort not to shame the choices that other dudes make.

But let’s talk about the stuff that isn’t necessarily ‘choices’ that we’re making; the subconscious stuff that we’ve just been doing like robots since we first figured out what it meant to nutt.  I’ve been in a couple of situations recently where guys that I’ve been with have had amazing, beautiful, explosive orgasms, and shot their seed all over me and whatever happened to be nearby (if you had been there, too, you probably would have applauded), only to have them breathe a few times, and then immediately apologize for it. As though it were bad manners to cum on somebody when you’re having actual sex with them.

Is this something we’re all meant to be doing and I was just absent that day during Emily Post’s Polite Penising lecture? Are we really supposed to be apologizing to the person who was (in theory anyway) working with us to get that very thing to happen?? Does that add up and I’m just doing bad math?

For my money, it doesn’t add up. It’s also, I suspect, related to the curious behavior of trying to cum as neatly as possible (in your hand, on a towel, or on your tummy) for quick clean up and evidence destroying. You should never be sorry you came, and you definitely shouldn’t be trying to ‘cum neat’ as an adult man.

When I first began masturbating in earnest (about age 11) I came a lot and lots of times per day. My brilliant solution at 11 years old, was to use multiple tissues to clean up each and every time I did it, leading to a small mountain of kleenex in my bedroom at all times that became difficult to sneak out in my trash. I would pile them up behind my dresser at the back of my closet and then drag them out to the outside garbage cans when everyone was distracted watching TV or out in the yard, so as to avoid having any sort of conversation about why this particular tissue pile-up was occurring.

Why it didn’t occur to me to worry about the influx of tissues into my bedroom (which someone surely had to have noticed, since I didn’t have an amazon account or a car and couldn’t buy my own) I’ll never know.

Regardless, I eventually started using old socks (which lead to me having to do a lot more of my own laundry and a shortage of socks that weren’t gruesomely stained), old towels, or the toilet (if I happened to have the luxury of extended bathroom time to myself.

The point of all of those ideas, though, was that I didn’t want anyone to know that this was happening. I was – not ashamed, per se, because it wasn’t about shame as much as it was about just avoiding any kind of uncomfortable conversation with my moms – avoiding conflict about something that was totally normal, and that my parents would never have been upset about in a million years, in retrospect. So I worked to come up with as many inventive solutions as possible to make it seem like it wasn’t. The idea that I should stop doing it literally just never entered my head.

I also came to the conclusion that the orgasms I had when I wasn’t worried about where my sperm would land (outdoors, or on the kitchen tile, or at a friend’s place), were exponentially better than the silent ones I was trying to crank out over the potty.

In my adult life, I ejaculate like a boss. At the Jacks, on my own, or with a partner. I’m a big believer that any planning or strategizing you’re doing when you’re into the vinegar strokes range is only pulling your focus away from your penis and the point of the whole activity – your massive, mind-blanking nutt. I’ve got some videos to share, to illustrate what I mean when I say this. When you’re cumming, whether you’re doing it by yourself, or with the help of someone cool, you need to be ready to spray that shit with total abandon. You need to let it go where it’s gonna, and keep your mind totally on the pleasure and the sensation involved in those awesome fucking contractions and spasms that are blasting that seed outta you at full force.

 

Imagine what you’d be watching here if this bro were trying to cum as small as possible, into his hand or some other dumb shit, so that he wouldn’t make a mess. You think he’d be grinning and groaning like that if even a fraction of his available brain power were going toward “oh no, cum is messy and dirty! I have to be careful!”

 

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Or this guy, who is straight up cumming on the carpet! I love this one as an illustration of my point here, because this dude is clearly deep into his penis, his mouth hung open and his arm jacking independently of any kind of control or performance, and he can barely even respond when his sperm flies up over (and onto!) his head, onto his shirt, onto the ground beneath him, and his face is so fucking aspirational when he looks down to see sperm still flowing out, and across his hand. Unbelievably beautiful.

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If you live somewhere with hardwood floors (like I do) then there’s literlaly no reason why you ever need to invest any thought at all into where your seed lands. These guys know. Watch them cum like fucking kings, thinking only about how their dicks feel and marveling at how much juice they’re pouring out:

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And finally, some inspirational gifs: The next time you’re going to cum, I want you to think of how much more joyful, how much more passionate, and how much fucking hotter all of these images are, because of their masculine abandon. Watch these men pleasure themselves and let that pleasure and pressure ride right up until the end. There’s no catching it in their hand or on their tummy or even avoiding furniture or electronics. This is the real deal, and it can be yours if you just let yourself GO.

 

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If you need any kind of ‘what not to wear’ example, look at this bummer gif of this dude tryin to cum small and directly onto his pubes so he doesn’t make a mess:

 

 

LAAAAME.

Bust, gentlemen. Bust real big and paint your kingdom. Stand up when you cum and let it fly. And never, EVER apologize for cumming.

-t

 

PS – all of the gifs and videos here are sourced from one of my very favorite Tumblrs, Bate Spread. The dude running that knows about penis pride and how to masturbate like you’re in-fucking-charge. That’s a real good follow, imho.

 

 

 

 

 

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