Insecure about the size of your wang? Find out if LYING ABOUT IT is right for you!
I’ve talked about my fetish for google alerts here before, and last week seemed to be a promising reward to the constant monitoring of phrases like “penis,” “London penis,” “New York penis,” and “great big penis,” when a torrent of new emails came flooding into my inbox.
“Men’s penises are only getting bigger!” cried the New York Post.
“Penis size is on the increase – do you measure up?” asked the Metro.
And Attitude.co.uk shouted “THE AVERAGE PENIS SIZE HAS INCREASED DRAMATICALLY SINCE LAST YEAR!”
To be sure, everyone suddenly had all my attention. I couldn’t wait to see wtf they could all be talking about:
“A new survey, conducted by condom brand SKYN, reveals that the average penis size has grown by around an inch. Last year, a collaborative study between King’s College London measured how well-endowed 15,521 men were. In 2016, research revealed that the average penis length was 5.16 inches when erect.
A sex survey of 2017, carried out by SKYN, reveals that this size is significantly bigger for millennials. The investigation has estimated that the average penis size for 18-to-34-year-olds is around 6.1 inches when fully aroused.”
-via the New York Post
Wow! I thought! I hate being called a millennial, but boy do I love being in the “significantly bigger” category!
I wonder what could have accounted for this dramatic increase in boner size, in such a short span of evolutionary time? “Probably some function of porn and how it’s screwing up everyone’s understanding of sex and sexuality,” I mused, from my high horse.
“While some believe that men are becoming increasingly well-endowed because of evolution, others have pointed to flaws in the latest study.
Research was taken from 3,037 sexually active people who filled out an online form.
It’s very likely that many of these men may have exaggerated about how much they’re packing in their pants – which could explain the jump in results.”
-again, via the New York Post
The lesson here, from the good folks at SKYN (my fourth most favorite brand of condom), is that you really can be anything you want. Online. As long as no one is there to double check or ask any followup questions.
My advice? If you have a penis, you’re already doing great. If it works like you want it to more than 70% of the time, you’re way ahead of the curve. If it’s a size that you’re proud and excited to show off, hot damn! You’re besting almost all of us.
But if any of those things isn’t true, it’s important to make some time to get yourself comfortable with what you got. Learn to masturbate exactly the way you like to. Don’t let porn or tv or anything else dictate what you enjoy. If what you like seems weird (but nobody else gets hurt)? Get fukkin weird with it. If you like poppers, popper up, bro. Grease? Bust out that alboline. If you like raunchy, happy, incesty stories about family and near-family relationships, boy have I got a treat for you!
But most of all, be a champion for your own dick. Don’t talk down about him, and don’t spend all your time wishing he was different. Remember: to the Greeks, a small, aesthetically pleasing penis was the height of elegance and refinement. It’s all about the context.