Is that thing loaded?

Welcome to a new feature at BWB: Songs About Penises. My friends and I have always text each other with evidence when we caught references to dicks or gay sex stuff in mainstream pop songs, and I figured it was finally time to do something productive with all that information.

If you don’t know Agnes Carlsson (or simply “Agnes” as she’s most frequently billed), you’re probably in good company. Most people don’t know Agnes. Which is fine by me. I never enjoy music more than when I think I’m the only one in my cool little club. For my money there’s nothing more frustrating than going to a concert and seeing a bunch of teenage girls trying to rock out to IAMX or Robyn. It ruins the illusion I harbor that these songs are somehow a secret channel of connection between me and that artist. If they’re singing to teenage girls, they must not really be singing to me.

But I digress. Agnes is a 29 year old Swede who won Sweden’s version of Idol in 2005. She’s had some moderate success internationally, but never made much of a splash in the US. In 2009, My friend held me down and forced me to listen to her third album Dance Love Pop, and I was hooked. Agnes possesses a giant-sounding, clear and confident voice, of indeterminate race or age, and the only hindrance to mainstream success she faces as an artist is that her labels have had no solid plan for how she would be presented. Hopping around from R&B-style songs, to straight 2000’s-sounding pop, to the grinding electropop we’re about to listen to here, there was never coherent messaging about what sort of thing Agnes was. And Americans like to box shit up so that they can understand it.

Plus, big, brash pop songs featuring thinly veiled metaphors about penises don’t always go over super great here. Still. Bless Agnes for tryin this shit.

I was going to hand hold you through uncovering the metaphors/symbols at play here, but it’s so blatant that I don’t think you’ll need my help. Here’ Agnes’ Loaded (with lyrics below):

Songs About Penises: Agnes’ “Loaded”

LYRICS: What is that you are pointing at me?
It might go off, cause me injury
Is that thing loaded? (Loaded, loaded, loaded)
Is that thing loaded? (Loaded, loaded, loaded)

I know I have seen you before
And I admit I’d like to see more
Is that thing loaded? (Loaded, loaded, loaded)
Is that thing loaded? (Loaded, loaded, loaded)

I wanna see your hands, your cards, what goes through your head
I gotta know if you pose that much of a threat

Get down on your knees, say “pretty please”
Then maybe, baby, I’ll consider
Get down on your knees, say “pretty please”
And I’ll surrender, surrender, surrender

What is that you are pointing at me?
It’s interesting but a little scary
Is that thing loaded? (Loaded, loaded, loaded)
Is that thing loaded? (Loaded, loaded, loaded)

I wanna see your hands, your cards, what goes through your head
I gotta know if you pose that much of a threat

Get down on your knees, say “pretty please”
Then maybe, baby, I’ll consider
Get down on your knees, say “pretty please”
And I’ll surrender, surrender, surrender

(What is that?)
(Is that thing loaded?)
Is that thing loaded?

Yeah…

Get down on your knees, say “pretty please”
Then maybe, baby, I’ll consider
Get down on your knees, say “pretty please”
And I’ll surrender, surrender, surrender

Get down on your knees, say “pretty please”
Then maybe, baby, I’ll consider
Get down on your knees, say “pretty please”
And I’ll surrender, surrender, surrender…

I think it’s worth pointing out that Agnes might have escaped getting called out for such blatant penis singing if she hadn’t said “load” so many times in the course of one song.

What is that I am poin-ting at you? Duh. 

-t