Wash, Ass, Butt, Hole, Scrub, Wipe, Shit, Butthole, Man, Men, Douche, Shower, Bidet

We Need To Talk: About Your Butthole (Part 2)

Guys. Seriously.


 

A little over a year ago, Part 1 of this discussion was posted to a surprisingly good reception. It even seemed to invite a lot (I’m not kidding, a lot!) of suggestions and demands for a follow up about douching.

But I gotta tell you. We are not ready to talk about douching yet. That’s a graduate-level topic and so many guys are still freshmen when it comes to getting themselves clean in the basement, so to speak.

I theorized about why that was in Part 1, and I think it still applies here: people learn how to do something as children and then spend an entire lifetime never being corrected, since the behavior is nearly entirely isolated and the effects are so unpleasant as to discourage any conversation about it, even from a partner or spouse.

And while I can appreciate the delicate nature of this whole arena, you need to hear this from someone:

YOU NEED TO WASH YOUR BUTTHOLE BETTER.

EVERY ONE OF YOU.

 

 

Something I think about when I’m writing entries here is ‘how will this be received by people I know and have sex with in real life?‘ I constantly worry that someone will think I’m talking about them, or that I’m exposing some private detail of their life (which I have repeatedly promised never to do), and they will be upset and stop doing fun naked stuff with me.

Wash, Ass, Butt, Hole, Scrub, Wipe, Shit, Butthole, Man, Men, Douche, Shower, BidetBut this one… If you think I’m talking about you, I am. That’s the truth. If you have cause to worry about whether or not your butthole is clean, then you have not cleaned it. It’s something akin to that expression about ‘if you have to ask the price, you can’t afford it;’ if you aren’t completely certain your ass is clean – it isn’t.

I can say this with a kind of confidence that is reserved for little else in my life. My butthole is immaculate at all hours of all days. I’m not exaggerating. There is virtually no time that I wouldn’t feel comfortable running my palm over my hole and and immediately licking it – full tongue. It’s as clean as my thigh, or my chest, or my neck.

Simply because there is no reason for it not to be that clean. It is 2018 and we live (I assume, if you’re reading this) in an advanced civilization. If there is shit on your asshole after you have flushed the toilet, you are failing at life because you have chosen to. There is literally no other excuse for it (save for emergencies, public toilets, etc).

This post isn’t about wiping, though. This post is about what men do in the shower. Because “wash their buttholes real good” is not what men do in the shower. To wit: at my gym, the shower cubicles have frosted glass doors, but are lit from within, so from the outside, one can clearly see the form of the person showering (without any seriously revealing details) and I have sat in the sauna and seen an endless number of men wash and scrub all the parts of their body except their butt.

There is a hand gesture like one might use to whisk crumbs off a tablecloth that many men use to quickly spramp water near their hole, and that is often the beginning and the end of the cleaning of that whole territory.

If you expect to ever have sex with anyone at all (if you’re someone who doesn’t like butt stuff, and you think that’s justification for not washing yourself properly, I don’t even know what to say to you. You are gross. I don’t care about your sexual habits, but I do care that you are justifying keeping shit on your ass), you need to clean yourself. You need to do it every day. If you have the luxury, do it a few times every day. Certainly every time you take a shower.

 

You need to use water

 

Your butthole is not getting clean from toilet paper. If you think anyone should even consider rimming you after you have merely wiped with toilet paper, you don’t deserve to get rimmed, ever.

You need to use water to clean your hole. I am a big believer in the bidet sprayer and have used the handheld version available here from Amazon since I visited Thailand (where even the toilet on a boat had a bidet sprayer). It plumbs straight into the toilet and installs in about 20 minutes, start to finish.

Pro Tip: Keep a bottle of hand sanitizer next to the toilet. After you rinse and use toilet paper to dry (the only legitimate use for toilet tissue), do a quick swipe of sanitizer to get that hospital-grade clean feeling.

In the shower, you need to find a way to point the water spray at your butthole. Either with a handheld massager, or the Cleanstream shower douche. You don’t need to completely hose yourself out every time you shower, but for accuracy, nothing beats the nozzle or pressure on the Cleanstream. If you don’t have the luxury of moving the shower spray, you better find a way to hike your hole up to spray level, and spread those cheeks so that the water hits everything directly; runoff isn’t cutting it.

 

Wash, Ass, Butt, Hole, Scrub, Wipe, Shit, Butthole, Man, Men, Douche, Shower, Bidet

 

You need to use soap

 

And you need to use soap correctly. As we learned in season 1 of Westworld (when the two lackey bodyshop guys discover a MRSA infection in a body that was likely the product of their shitty hygiene during repairs), soap is mechanical. Soap is not like Lysol Brand Disinfectant Spray – you can’t simply put it on and rinse it off and the job is done. Soap requires physical action (friction) to break up oils and grime (and shit) that hold microbes and bacteria against the skin.

This article is a great primer on how soap actually cleans you, but the gist is this:

Wash, Ass, Butt, Hole, Scrub, Wipe, Shit, Butthole, Man, Men, Douche, Shower, Bidet

 

So you need to get in the shower, get wet, and work up a genuine lather. Watch this dude:

 

Wash, Ass, Butt, Hole, Scrub, Wipe, Shit, Butthole, Man, Men, Douche, Shower, Bidet, GIF

 

There is clearly soap in there, and he is actively using his hand to massage the skin around his hole, up and down and repeatedly before rinsing (he also might be assturbating a little bit, too. Which can be a cool side bonus of washing your butt).

If you have issues about touching your own body, or feel like it’s dirty, unclean, or somehow gay to touch your own butthole, then – again – I don’t think this article is the place for you to start. You need to spend some real time, possibly with a doctor or a therapist, to get comfortable with touching your body. All parts of it. There can’t be terrain that you’re walking around with each day that you have never seen or addressed in a practical way. We’re all too old for that. Your body is yours, and touching it is part of maintaining it.

 

You should probably use a tool

 

I like using the small face towels at the gym for this exact purpose (because I don’t want to have to wash a million towels in at home, and because they use bleach when they wash them), but it makes no real difference if you’re using a sponge, a loofa, or a washcloth. I also have a couple soft brushes that are great for post-waxing exfoliation with an acne fighting soap, to prevent breakouts and bumps. If you’re exceptionally hairy and choose not to trim or wax, I highly recommend a brush to help reach the skin below that hair that might not be hit as well with a cloth or just a hand.

What matters is that you’re lathering whatever tool you choose up well, and making physical contact with all the skin of your cheeks. All the way down against that hole. This 24 pack of washcloths is 14 dollars with Amazon Prime. That’s about 58 cents each. You could use them twice, and just throw them away, if you’re nervous about washing them well enough later.

 

Again, you gotta not be shy about really getting whatever tool you use all the way up in there. And really scrub that all out, from the top of your butt, to the back of your balls (or, the ballback, more correctly).

Feel free to lather, rinse repeat, if you’re not sure you’ve done it thoroughly enough. There’s no such thing as over-washing your butthole.

Pro Tip: Squat. I’m not kidding. Squat on the shower floor and use the open posture to get that soapy magic everywhere it needs to go. You’re alone in there (ostensibly), so who cares how stupid it looks?

 


 

No matter what you have been told in the past by parents or priests or high school health teachers, your body is yours. Nothing you do with that body is sinful or wrong or dirty. If shame is what is keeping you from getting all the way clean in the shower (and by association, keeping you from sexual activities you may enjoy), then it’s important for you to address that shame in a real way. Either through personal exploration and education (that’s what masturbation is all about, kids), or with a professional who can guide you though whatever negative emotions may be associated with your genitals or your hole.

After all, it’s just a body. We all have one, and we all have basically the same parts.

 

Wash, Ass, Butt, Hole, Scrub, Wipe, Shit, Butthole, Man, Men, Douche, Shower, Bidet

Once you get into the habit of really washing out your hole, you will begin to be disgusted that you ever did things differently. And you’ll definitely be grossed out when you observe this practice getting ignored by other guys. You’ll notice immediately when you haven’t cleaned enough, and that uneasy feeling about how things are ‘back there’ during sex will begin dissipate. I really just want you to Live your best life: wash your butthole every day.

 

-t

8 Comments
  • Tyler Dårlig Ulv (@tylerthebadwolf)
    Posted at 21:28h, 04 May Reply

    This one is for all of us: men who have butts, women who deal with men who have butts, and guys who wrongly think t… https://t.co/qYuDdWQa65

  • Paul
    Posted at 22:48h, 04 May Reply

    Well done! I guess the surprising thing is that this article is necessary at all .. a few years ago, there was a documentary on TV in the UK about recruits to the army. One scene showed the sergeant instructing the soldiers on how to shower and wash their cocks and balls properly to avoid infections from sweating and friction. He stripped naked and demonstrated washing himself … whilst it made enjoyable viewing, I was surprised that any man in his 20s or 30s needed to be shown how to keep his cock clean.

    Your article shows that the problem isn’t as rare as I had supposed….

    It’s good that you write thse pieces with such honesty and clarity … I like your style … please keep them coming ?

  • Zeno Dionysos Paradox
    Posted at 03:19h, 05 May Reply

    These things should be obvious to maintaining proper hygiene for oneself, much less others, but a lot of people…

  • Tyler Dårlig Ulv (@tylerthebadwolf)
    Posted at 11:52h, 05 May Reply

    My point with this post was not to shame anyone, or make an off-limits conversation topic even worse. ? My point wa… https://t.co/mMUpuQkEIB

  • Sigistrix
    Posted at 17:12h, 07 May Reply

    ZOMG! If ever there were a place when the video of the cat that just repeats “No” over and over and over, this is it.

    There is nothing worse than unwashed ass. And yes. Men are frequently horrible about washing theirs. So much so, that I tend to make it a habit to start proceedings in the shower with any partner.

    I’m so squicked by this, in general and with awareness of my own back entrance, that I spend a good five minutes down there…every time I bathe…cleaning the leaves and dirt out of the stairwell.

    Just….YUCK! Wash your asses, people!

  • The Best #ThongThursday Photos from the Thong Experts at Joe Snyder | Badwolf/Blog
    Posted at 12:40h, 10 May Reply

    […] mentioning that this weekly celebration is only open to dudes who have mastered the arts outlined in this last post. Nobody who has failed Butt Washing 101 should be running a piece of elastic up against their hole […]

  • @RhanaDC
    Posted at 16:48h, 16 May Reply

    Current fave…no shame body washing advice. This is as real as it gets!

    https://t.co/AouPZVPE1Y

  • How To Pose *Naturally* – Brought to You By Vintage Gay Pornography | Badwolf/Blog
    Posted at 14:31h, 03 August Reply

    […] Friday! And I don’t have the energy to come up with a whole essay about how this thing is problematic or how that thing should be emphasized more. So let’s look at some vintage […]

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