Tips from the pros of yesteryear to help you achieve a very natural aesthetic in your dong pics.

It’s Friday! And I don’t have the energy to come up with a whole essay about how this thing is problematic or how that thing should be emphasized more. So let’s look at some vintage 70s/80s dudes showing off their very best, most natural Top Model poses.

If you’ve never had photos taken of yourself totally naked and/or bonered up, a surprising thing that arises almost instantly is “wtf am I supposed to do with my body?” My theory is that this is why so many photos end up being just bland, artless close-ups of dicks, instead of the artful masterpieces of these kings:

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Why sit regular? Fling one of your legs completely off the bench and into the gravel. Really press the side of your face into the fencing or wall behind you. Very natural feeling.

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If you have a couch to work with, don’t just sit on the couch like any average Joe. Find ways to mount it so that it really becomes part of the fantasy.

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When you’re posing in a refurbished electric chair naturally placed in the middle of a doorway, be sure to use everything at your disposal: Kick that foot up onto the door frame! Show off that ballback! Grip your dick unnecessarily tightly while you thumb your balls.

Feels natural, right? Try saying “thursday!“

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Consider the construction site as a setting! Be sure to avoid sitting on or near any part of the heavy machinery there actually designed for sitting. Kick one leg up to the top of the bulldozer’s tire and stretch the other one clear out of the frame while you lean casually back into the metal window frame. Ahhhhhh! Natural.

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When you’re balanced on a post made for tying up horses, be sure to lean way back and pull your underwear up into a tight self-wedgie. Feels comfy, yeah? Really convey that comfort with some early 80s duck lips.

Bonus points: pull your butt open wide with your free hand so those briefs get so deep into your hairy hole you can never wear them in public again.

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If you’re working with power tools in your shoot, make sure you’re always wearing your toolbelt. This lets the viewer know you’re serious about the masculine energy you’re trying to convey. If you’ve got the flexibility to make it happen, place your feet 2-3x shoulder width so your audience can really see the chainsaw and your furry, sweaty hole. Masc and v v natural.

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When you’re done with the tools, climb up to the roof and check out what’s going on there! Really spread your legs apart and flex your lats as you step off the ladder, to share how it would look if nobody were there to see you do it. You didn’t get an all-over tan just to hide your ballback from the camera, did you?

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If you’re lucky enough to be a Dad on a Boat, showcase your erect dad peen with some boat furniture. Brace it against a chair! Flop it onto a table! Wrap it around a life preserver! The key is to make it seem like a natural thing you’d definitely be doing anyway.

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One of the best things you can do when you’re wearing just a cowboy hat and boots, is balance on a single unfinished fence beam. This says “I know what cowboys do!” and also demonstrates your ability to engage your core in a practical setting.

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Nothing says “masc and natural” like putting your naked ass on stuff that looks rusty and scratchy. If there’s no comfortable way to really get that skin directly on the rustiest parts, consider balancing yourself against old chains or a pipe. And don’t worry about tetanus! They’ve got a shot for that now.

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The Crab is always the answer to the age old question: “how do I show my face, nuts, and hole to the camera all in one natural-seeming pose?” Do it right, and your viewers will swear they can almost hear the squeak of your assless leather chaps contorting into this very natural look.

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While you’ve got your leathers on, let’s grab some props! Nothing goes more naturally with polished cow hide like unfinished driftwood. Be sure you get it jammed right up against the ultra delicate skin of your cock and scrote. Who’s afraid of a little splinter? Not this hombre.

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Sometimes you can really tell a story with your photos. This guy is saying “what if I was a roast pig, and you didn’t have a dining room so everyone had to chow down right there on the pool table, but also nobody wanted to clear the balls off first?” Bonus points: get a red pool ball all the way into your mouth to simulate an apple in the pig’s mouth.

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Back to the roof! If you wore your clothes up (knee-high tube socks, denim micro-cut-offs, long-sleeved thermal – very natural), instead of showing off that tanned nutsack as you stepped off the ladder, be sure you pull everything out the leg of your shorts so we can see it. Kick one leg up and then lean into it naturally to convey a real sense of “oh, I didn’t see you there! I’m just checking the gutters the way I do every weekend – with my penis stretching down my thigh.”

Natural.

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If you’re in possession of an unusually large penis, one of the most natural ways you can convey the size and seriousness of that wang is by mounting a barstool and forcing it painfully down against the seat while you lean forward. Highlight the contrast with an old towel. Look how big it looks! Crane your gaze over your shoulder to try and see it!

Holding up a tallboy can for scale is kid’s stuff. This is how the pros show off a huge cock.

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Hammocks are all about comfort. And what’s more comfortable than laying face down in a hammock while your teen region hangs, unprotected, outside of the rope mesh? This is a natural way to recline that every man has definitely experienced.

Nice.

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There are lots of ways for you to share your weenier with the world. Take it from these vintage naked dudes: relaxed and natural is the way to do it.

TGIF.

-t

Images taken from Retro Homo, which is doing the Lord’s work over at tumblr. Infinite majesty in their archives.