16 May There and Back Again
Or, What I Did on my Corona Vacation.
Good. Gravy. It has been quite a while since I’ve made it in here to post, hasn’t it? And my most recent returning post wasn’t even that far back in the archives. Needless to say, it’s hard work keeping this up and making time to share big thoughts about small things (or small thoughts about big things. Either way).
In the time since I was here last, I spent a month in Australia, a week or two in Hong Kong (before the worst of the protests truly came to a head), a couple of weeks in Barcelona, and nearly a month in Berlin (with some strategic visits to NYC peppered in). On that visit to Germany, I fell hard enough for their capital that I made big moves to relocate there, at the end of my lease in Toronto. In January I began German language classes at the Goethe Institute in Toronto.
And then I watched – as we all watched – the whole world fall apart in front of me, over the course of 4-5 months. My move was derailed completely when the EU closed its borders, and my status in Canada was endangered when the US and Canada decided to squeeze their doors shut as well. Over the ensuing weeks, my primary work project would also be derailed, but in a much bigger way. Pay reductions, and hours cutbacks, and a panic that informed all emails, phone calls, and Slack messages made every day a little more tense and clenchy than the last.
Then, Google rolled out a core update that ensured things would not be getting better for that company in the weeks and months ahead. The panic increased, and I firmly decided I was ready to find my way back to my own projects for a time.
I submitted my resignation on Friday, and sighed a big sigh, as I said goodbye to projects I had worked on and invested in since 2017. Projects that would likely now never see the light of day. It’s such a peculiar time to be leaving a job, when so many have lost theirs or found themselves indefinitely furloughed or figuring out a “work from home forever” path. I don’t take my situation lightly or pretend that I live a life of such blessings that I can simply choose not to work. But it is time for a shift in where my energy goes and what, at present, means the most to me.
With some new time on my hands beginning in June, I’m glad to get back to writing a bit. Here, certainly and foremostly. But also in other forums. I enjoy finding new connections by virtue of publishing in other arenas. I know you guys love what we do here a BWB (for the most part), but it is rather like preaching to the choir when it comes to bate, Penis and the significance of masturbation.
I was blessed to have been given an opportunity with the Sword a while back (some of that content appears here now, and is labeled as such), and ended up self-sabotaging that in a truly spectacular and mortifying way. I received some negative replies and feedback, and allowed those ideas in like termites; they wandered around my head and gnawed away at any certainty I had about my very ability to write, or my role in adult entertainment in general, and even my physical appearance. “Who the fuck does this guy think he is?” speaks directly the white-hot core of my insecurities and various imposter syndromes, and I am unable to render any kind of real argument in return.
I don’t know who the fuck I think I am, is the truth. I’m an escort, but not a porn performer. I’m a lazy camboy but far from an award winner or star. I have a social following, but no real response for “what does that guy do?” And so I just shut down and stopped replying to the kind and concerned emails of my editor there; eventually stopped logging into my work email account altogether. I was so embarrassed by my inability to produce anything at all for them that I slinked away without invoicing for finished work, and still have no idea how to respond on social media when they post good things that I want so badly to like. I straight up ghosted somebody who was trying to give me an opportunity to do something real. And I have to live with that shitty action.
Butt, I digress. I have plans for changes around here, and how and with whom we talk. It’s lovely to hear my own voice echoing around in these endless chambers, but my most successful posts by the numbers are the ones where I let others do the talking and do my best to listen and understand. In spite of everything, there are so many positive things out there still. And so many positive entities ready to share their dongs and their pleasure for little more than the experience of doing so.
I have no plans or wishes to monetize anything we do here, and those aren’t the sort of changes you can expect. But it would be truly meaningful if you would consider signing up for email updates. In some ways, that simple act is more valuable to me than a couple bucks here and there from patrons or installing obtrusive banner ads and affiliate links. If you like what we do here, drop off your email address and I’ll shoot you a quick message whenever there’s something new to check out:
I’ve missed you guys and this space. I look forward to good things, buried in the rubble of all the less good things we’re each confronting right now. I hope you’re healthy and safe, and have at least a degree of security for the time being. If you have the room to maintain a bate practice right now, even better. You’re winning.