Stardew Valley is Superior to Animal Crossing for One Reason: Hardcore Gay Sex

Characters suck and fuck and masturbate for one another with gleeful, uncensored abandon.

With everything going on in my life these past few months (my suspended move to Berlin, my all consuming work project followed by the demise of my all consuming work project, and my day to day struggles with staying productive and staying in touch), there hasn’t been a lot of room for video games. And I’m hardly what you might call a gamer anyway. I like the idea of it, but I much prefer to play my video games naked and with some good company, rather than on my own.

But I almost always have (what my good friend calls) a “baby game” going on the side. Baby Games are usually cell phone or iPad games that don’t have a ton of depth, but still have a compelling or rewarding element for checking in or solving puzzles each day. I’ve been playing Tiny Tower by NimbleBit for over seven years at this point and was in the top 20 on the global leaderboard for a few years (before the leaderboards were ultimately discontinued).

I was goaded into downloading Stardew Valley back in December of 2018, and promised it was far more compelling than it looked over the shoulder of my friend or in any of the trailers for the game. I immediately recognized it as the sort of game that would forever destroy any hopes for future productivity and normal sleeping. Stardew Valley was a “one more day and then…” game. One where you wind up forever bargaining with yourself about how much longer you could play before it was time to write that article, or go to bed, or wash yourself.

A single game “day” seemed like a good marker for how much “longer” you were going to play, until you realized you’d made your “one more day” pledge into three more days, for a total of 45 real life minutes.

I knew it was all or nothing for me, and I deleted the game from my phone, never to play again. Except I secretly downloaded it on my iPad and would check in sometimes on weekends when I could devote 7-8 hours to my farm without anyone being the wiser.

The chaos and isolation of the pandemic, though, offered me a chance to revisit my obsession during all the time I now wouldn’t be going to the gym, meeting clients, or getting my hair cut (it’s almost 4 inches past my nips at this point – unreasonably long and I totally hate it). I began playing the game in earnest; I consulted the elaborate Stardew Wiki, I planned and replanned my crop layouts and my courtships, eventually marrying Shane and moving in with him. I was in love.

And then I discovered a new layer just below the surface of Stardew that leaned hard on the game world’s easygoing nature about same sex relationships – anyone can fall in love with, marry, and have children with almost anyone else. Stardew Valley, with some clever and artful mods, was also a place where male characters could have joyful, excited, and lucrative sex with one another!

The (unfortunately named) Manly Prostitution mod opened up a world of Stardew gay gameplay that made me hard before I ever even got to see another character’s boner.

The mod itself creates an alternative revenue stream where the your lead player is able to meet and engage in a variety of sexual acts with other male-ID’d non-playing characters (NPCs), after which you leave with a big bucket of cum and monetary compensation, in the form of rare gems!

I’ve talked endlessly here about the type of sex I enjoy, and strive to facilitate irl: joyful, consensual, playful, and connected. And the Stardew Valley Gay Sex Mods deliver exactly that in spades. The characters meet, unencumbered and horny and ready for fun, negotiate that fun, and then penis oneanother until cum pours onto the floors. It is perfection.

On my first day after the mod, I woke up and stepped outside to be greeted by Lewis, the town’s mayor. He wanted to let me know that folks ’round these parts might be more liberally minded than I’d previously expected, and proceeded to lay out exactly the ways I could make some extra income late at night:

Mayor Lewis Has Some News:

At the conclusion of his news, he wanted to know if I understood correctly. The game offered two choices: “Yes.” And “let’s get started right now!” Because I’m the same guy in this game as I am in real life, I got on my knees on the porch and sucked out a great big gusher of nutt from the mayor of Pelican Town, right there in the early morning hours on my thoughtfully planned farm:

I was bonered then, and I am now, telling you about it again.

Fukkin’ Willy

On my first night of Manly Prostitution in Stardew Valley Gay Sex edition, I popped in to visit Willy, the town mariner:

Alex’ sweaty jockboy cock

Then it was off to Alex, the town jock. He’s 18 – but barely. Even in the vanilla version of the game he tells me he likes it when I watch him workout at the bathouse and apologizes in a “oops, I turned you on” sort of way for getting caught so often without a shirt on. Tonight, he was all the way naked and jacking his big sweaty meat when I arrived:

Cracking Sam’s jaw with my cock

Next up, another youngster: Sam. Sam was also deep in his bate already when I arrived. He got down on his knees and spread his butt wide open (honestly the only pose I ever want to watch a dick get sucked in) while he drained me dry:

I stopped briefly at home, thinking I might even be able to have some penis time with my in game husband, Shane.

Demetrius pounds me like his wife

Alas, he was nowhere to be found, so off to see Demetrius, the town scientist (and sole black man). Demetrius knew I was coming and had his big bone all ready to go when I arrived. We had to be quiet to avoid attracting his wife’s attention, but we still had fun trying to get me pregnant, ending with a spillover puddle on their bedroom floor.

Before I turned in for the night, I wanted one more round from the insatiable mayor Lewis. I rode him hard and came inside, leaving my irl foreskin soaked with precum:

The 32 bit styling of Stardew Valley gay sex depictions may not be super arousing to some, but if you wanted to see realistic – well, video game “realistic” – gay sex, I hear the Sims has been making some terrifying progress into the uncanny penis valley the last ten years or so:

It seems like a silly thing, especially with the stylized sprites and dialogues. But I’m so enamored of a game and modifications that show and explore the untethered joyfulness of sexual connection. No part of this pseudo side-quest is meant to lead to monogamous relationships or children (although each roll in the hay improves your friendship standing with that other character), and everyone parts feeling fulfilled and glad. There is no force and no coercion, and no self-consciousness or shame tethered to these natural and amazing acts. They just are. In the same way my potato crop and starfruit jelly business are, so too is my new side business in Stardew Valley: gay sex for gems and friendship.

-t