Gay Porn GIFs: You Can Almost Jack Off to giphy.com!

Think of it as the mens underwear section of the Sears catalog for the millennial set.

I don’t know about you, but with everything happening in the world right now, I need a big break from serious shit.

If you know me, you know I don’t text, but instead prefer secure messengers like Telegram or Signal. I use Telegram with all my friends and family because it’s a bit more fully featured, with gifs and sticker libraries that are easy to find and use. I was talking with my friend on Telegram this weekend and trying to find a good butthole gif (aren’t I always), and was surprised to find that mainstream gif library Giphy.com contained this weirdly arousing gem:

The longer I stared at it the more I wanted to stare at it, and started to wonder what other sorts of leg-spread crotch-grab magic might be hiding in Giphy all this time. This particular image is unsourced, linking only to the long-defunct gifsoup.com. If you know ANYTHING about who this dude is, or why this exists, or where I can watch him rub his balls with his mouth open all day/every day, get in touch!

I was brought back to my childhood days of carefully studying the JC Penny catalog menswear section (I was trying to find porn before I ever even know exactly what porn was) and looking up “penis” and “genitals” and “naked men” in any online encyclopedia or forum, as I searched the archives of Giphy for whatever random gay gifs nonsense I could think of. That was, after all, how I first discovered Handjobs Magazine, so it’s not necessarily a flawed research system.

It was easy to immediately see our collective cultural denial of male sexuality and male genital display at work here; gifs of naked/aroused/sexualized female bodies outnumbered (easily by an exponent) what I could dig up for this, despite both being against the spirit of the Giphy’s TOS, if not the letter. We’re still afraid to treat male bodies and penises with much more than a tittering “oh my!” kind of attitude, and it shows in the prevalence of very traditional, very socially acceptable, youthful, white male 6-pack bodies making up the gif options.

That said, I still found some weirdness that made my boner bob up and down a little bit! Let’s look:

The best gay porn gifs on Giphy.com

There’s a lot of this kinda stuff: white guys with the matching bodies and the same face smiling and giggling at each other. The Orphan Black aesthetic has never really been my thing.

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Now, that’s something to see! I was shocked by this one, but god bless Calvin Klein for getting some glossy, fully nude male sex into the Giphy mix! Yowza.

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Love to see this weird video from Cassius and Cat Power resurface from time to time with no context. Synchronized boners ftw <3.

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More Orphan Black gays. I do like to see tounge-heavy kisses, though.

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Oh, now see? There’s an unexpected one! I can clearly see a boner in those shorts, just centimeters away from sweet lil tummy kisses! I wonder where this one is headed. Of course, the only source is “tumblr” which just links to a Idk, lol! splash page. Fuck tumblr. Still.

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I don’t care if this is from the 2% on Rotten Tomatoes aborted fetus of a film Meet the Spartans. It’s empirically hot, and I want everything that’s happening here, including the outfits. High fives for the women – open mouth tongue kisses for the men.

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GODDAMN I miss the MUSCRU tumblr. Fuuuuuck.

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Awww! There’s a time traveler for ya. Kawaii Muscle Men is one of those YouTube bops you can’t understand and will never forget, once you’ve seen it. 10/10

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I like Bob’s Burgers for a lot of reasons, but I really like Bob as a character too. He’s not sexless the way Peter Griffin and Homer Simpson are. I have zero trouble imaginging what’s happening below the edge of that gif (partly because we’ve already seen Bob’s uncut dadwang) or that he makes time to jack it when he can escape his wife and family.

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Lovely to see the Batman working his way through the vinegar strokes. I make that same face sometimes!

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Awww. Poor Logan.

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UNNFF. Shiny muscle butts bouncing around all day long. I wish to fuck I had any idea who these dudes were or why this was happening. Fill us in down in the comments if you know!

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There’s actually a whole category for Spiderman’s Butt on Giphy. Spidey’s ass has a life I was pretty unaware of until today!

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I love Magic Mike. I just do. You’ll never convince me it isn’t a masterwork of celebrating mens bodies and sexualtiy. It isn’t my particular brand of those things, but its positivity is infectious and I think it’s a global injustice that Channing Tatum doesn’t have an Oscar. Full stop.

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Could I get myself all the way to sploosh town with these quasi gay porn gifs?  I’ve got 1/3 of an erection right now that says I should try!

Look at that sexy Minion ass. Dang.

-t