We talk constantly here about being “proud” of our penises, but never really about how to get there.
I love talking about penises. I love talking about my penis. I love talking about the idea of Penis. And something that makes this blog rewarding and special to me, is the feedback loop of other men around the world calling out that they feel the same way. Or that they are learning to.
That last part is really huge. While we’re in an era where pornography and erotic labor are plainly ubiquitous, and ideas of sexuality and the fluidity of gender and desire are more actively discussed and expressed than ever before, we don’t necessarily think hard or talk hard about shaking loose ideas of shame around our bodies. When I say “we” I mean, primarily, cisgender men. I don’t specify that to be exclusive, but rather to acknowledge that I try to speak from my personal wheelhouse, and try not to prescribe or proclaim anything to those of different experience.
In my work, and indeed my personal life as well, I engage with lots of guys who carry shame about their penises, even though they don’t always acknowledge it as such. Shame can be like an airborne mold that finds its way into all sorts of crevices and dark corners, and affects different people different ways. While one might not feel ashamed to be naked in a locker room or doctor’s office, they may still privately harbor negative ideas about the size, shape, and function of their penis, when they’re alone together with it. Penis pride is a long way off.
It’s why the penis enlargement market (or Big Penis) is more expansive and more ridiculous than ever before. Manufacturers of pills, potions, and terrifying torture devices are tapping into mens’ deepest insecurities and reassuring them that everything they’ve ever worried is true; that their bodies are wrong, their genitals aren’t enough to achieve maximum pleasure for them or for their partners, and that improvement and perfection are ultimately just a matter of spending money.
All three things are deeply flawed and endlessly harmful. Your body is not “wrong.” No matter the shape or size of your penis, it’s excellent. Every single penis in the world is different. Imagining that there is an ideal to which one must aspire in order to be acceptable is a trap being deployed upon you and your penis. The ideal penis is YOURS!
Pleasure is a relative standard and having an enormous penis won’t make you better in bed, won’t make your partner cum harder, and won’t make your orgasms longer or stronger. It might put a bounce in your step to know that society generally “approves” of men with big dicks. But across genders and experience, big dick energy is what’s really drawing folks to you. Self confidence acquired through introspection, examination, and work is 100 times more valuable than any inch gained through surgery or torturous stretching devices. Think of it this way too: just owning a massive truck doesn’t ensure one knows how to drive it or park it to satisfy themselves or anyone else. All it means is that they’ve got a big truck.
The process of coming to terms with the fact that your body is just as it’s supposed to be, and that your genitals are too, is not as simple as waking up one day and smiling down at your boner, realizing it’s all going to be ok. It takes work and effort and thought to learn these ideas into your brain in a way which supplants the negative ideas that we carry around for a lifetime leading up to a change.
But even a tiny step in a positive direction is still improvement. Here’s five distinct ways to begin to reframe your relationship with your penis and develop a sense of pride in it along the way:
1. Really look at yourself
This one is hard because, as we grow up, we condition ourselves to really see ourselves less and less. Instead we see the stories we tell others with our grooming, clothing, and physical presentation. We may or may not like those stories, but either way, over time we stop seeing what’s really there in favor of the story itself. Even when we’re alone.
Making time to look at your body and at your penis, the way you probably did when you were a kid, is essential to learning to love yourself. Mirrors are great for this—the bigger the better. Pull up a chair and study yourself from every angle, pole to hole. Are there elements that could be improved with a more detailed hygiene regimen and some clippers? Make that change. Grooming is a lifehack to helping yourself be more of what you want to be, without resorting to permanent changes or giving in to Big Penis’ shame campaigns.
Better than mirrors though, are photos and videos. Make some! You more than likely walk around with a 4K capable camera in your pocket. Get into a well-lit space (natural light is always best) and learn to photograph yourself by doing it. If you get boned up while you’re playing and finding your angles, that’s great! It means you’re on the right track. Being aroused by the sight of your own penis and the attention you pay it may be a sign of narcissism, but it’s also a stop on the path to feeling genuine pride.
If you don’t like what you see when you’re studying your boner and your balls, think about why that is. Are you inherently unhappy with the sensations and excitement that arousal and stimulation bring? Or are you perhaps holding on to ideas or thoughts someone else has said or shared with you? We often learn to incorporate negative ideas that don’t really belong to us, don’t originate with us. But after years and miles can begin to feel the same as our own organically grown thoughts.
Don’t just do this once. Do this often. Weekly. Make an appointment with yourself to do it. Examine yourself in the mirror, take photos, and do it all in good light. You’re never done seeing yourself, and you’ll always find something interesting in the process—a new angle that flatters, a new touch or area that stimulates, or something to explore more deeply via grooming or play. Frequency breeds normalcy.
2. Listen to positive feedback
Anybody who has ever been insulted while they were naked or vulnerable knows the everlasting power of negative words. But how quick are we all to release like balloons into the sky all the times somebody has grinned or smiled at our nakedness or erection, or told us we were handsome or sexy, or even uttered a breathy “niiiiiice” once we exposed our real self?
Being present in the moment with others can be extremely challenging. And so compliments and praise can be lost or dismissed away. We can think someone was “just being nice” or just trying to get more. But the truth is that in that moment with you, they said that because they meant it.
If you’re bold enough to have a Bateworld profile already, really read the comments and messages you receive there. That is an unimaginably supportive community whose praise is authentic and directly related to a part of you that may not receive regular praise. Taking the time to respond to compliments or comments is a great way to mindfully acknowledge that someone has said something positive about you, and to express your gratitude for that. Every time you are grateful for that praise, it becomes a little easier to believe that praise could be true and to accept it.
If you aren’t yet, go check it out. You can sign up for free and enjoy a week of Premium membership just for joining.
Over time in spaces like that, you will (I promise!) grow acclimated to compliments about your penis, your pleasure, and your willingness to be authentic and exposed. This is the root of being proud of what you look like with all your clothes off.
3. Use the words with which you most identify
We’ve definitely discussed the idea that words carry outsized and enormous weight when it comes to subjects that don’t get a fair share of public discussion. Calling your genitals your “privates” reinforces the notion that they are secondary to who you are as a person, and that they are necessarily secret and shameful. Even the way men use the bathroom—in tandem but divided by walls and barriers—reinforces the idea that we shouldn’t see or be seen down there.
Deciding on the language you use to describe your penis and testicles, and your states of arousal and orgasm, is key to learning to be comfortable not just having a penis, but talking about it and allowing it to be seen and discussed! What words feel accurate? What words generate excitement or make you feel suddenly aroused? What words make you cringe or feel insulted (even if that isn’t their primary accepted intent)?
Do you have a meaty PEENUS? Do you love to show off your COCK by freeballing? Do you have an ultra-masc DICK? What are you masturbating? Is it your BONER? Or your ERECTION? Your STIFFY? WOODY? What happens when you masturbate too long? Do you CUM? Or are you ready to SQUIRT? Are you somebody who SPERMS?
Making an active decision to use the words that relate to YOU and your experience will help you feel confident when you describe yourself and what you enjoy to others. Ditch any words that you don’t enjoy or which feel demeaning or disrespectful to your pleasure and your presentation. You are always in charge of you. Even in the words you use to describe yourself.
4. Spend time with the idea of your penis
One of the primary reasons I love underwear, cockrings, and nut stretchers and weights, is that these things allow me to stay connected to my genitals throughout the day. Even as I’m writing this right now, I’m fully dressed (believe it or not) but wearing a super comfortable pouch thong, a thick metal cockring, and a soft rubber glans ring which holds back my foreskin. Not because I’m actively masturbating, or even aroused or trying to maintain an erection. But because the gentle sensation of the heavy ring, the friction of my exposed glans against my underwear, and the supportive pouch of the thong all conspire to keep my attention at least slightly on my penis.
As men, we are conditioned to divide our existence between sexual selves and every day selves. The result of this is that we stop thinking about our penises when we get dressed for work and often don’t think of them again until we have to piss or take our clothes off at the end of the day. They live quietly smashed into underwear that doesn’t support them or allow them to maintain a naturally pronounced posture, until we remember we’ve got them and haul them out for a function.
But we aren’t different selves. We are whole beings who have penises all day, every day. While it may not be appropriate for you to wear accessories or underwear in a work setting which make your genitals more overtly prominent, you can still find moments every hour to remind yourself about your penis without being a zoom masturbator or office perv.
Thinking about your penis throughout your day can take the form of just picturing it mentally, scrolling through photos or videos you have on your phone, rubbing it through your pants or pocket, or even taking an extra moment alone in the mens room to hold it, rub it, and even smell it a little bit. The intention here isn’t to masturbate yourself to orgasm 15 times a day. If you aren’t somebody who’s already taking jack off breaks at work, you probably don’t have to start now.
But learning to think of your penis with joy, and remembering it’s down there throughout the course of the day, can be a foundation for experiencing pride in the way your penis makes you feel. You can think about it as “edging” yourself mentally, for the part of your day where you really do get to take your pants off, and rub and hold yourself, and revel in the warmth and comfort of how great it is to have something attached to your body that’s basically JUST for pleasurable sensation (even peeing feels great, admit it)!
I almost never deny myself when I need to adjust my penis (as at the gym or just out in public) or just want to take comfort in how it feels to hold it through my pants. If somebody wants to look, let ’em look. They’ll almost never say anything, and releasing the shame associated with our genitals as a “no touch” zone means it doesn’t really affect me if even they do.
5. Learn to masturbate as an act of admiration, pride, and love
Lots of us learn to masturbate as a perfunctory release of semen and tension. It’s a stress reliever and endorphin stimulator that gives us some momentary pleasure and vents the explosive agitation of maleness for another day or so to prevent combustion (which, yes, vent the stupid gas). It’s something we joke about and admit to only doing in the name of this perfunctory release. That’s how men who don’t yet love their penis behave. Even if they’ve got a huge one, they probably don’t feel any deeper sense of pride about what it can do or what it means.
Most of us never learn to push that perfunctory exercise into a space that ever acknowledges how great it is to have a penis. Instead it’s an appendage we sort of artlessly mash until we begin to experience preejaculation tingles and then cum and move on to other things.
But your penis is fukkin magical dude. It is. If you’re reading this, and you have one, I’m talking about YOU and YOURS. Your penis is a conduit to your maleness and to the shared connection inherent in that maleness. What gives guys the ease with which they see and share on sites like Bateworld is the understood connection that we are all experiencing together. We each know exactly how it feels to get hard. We know how it feels to grease up your boner. We know how it feels to edge and edge until we finally just gotaacummmm. And so we can see it in each other clearly. And we know it can be seen in us.
When you masturbate, only good things happen. You experience physical pleasure. You experience serotonin changes. You visualize other men masturbating and connecting to their world through their penis, either alone like you are in that moment, or with partners who open their bodies to share and connect and communicate. You join a wavelength of empathy when you witness other penises and experience their pleasure and joy along with them. It is easy to see why many have described this as connection with the divine. It feels deep and significant. Because it is.
Viewing your own penis as a key to connection with others is the crux of learning to be proud of it. Because it holds so much potential and so much power for you. Even if you never meet another penis in real life to share arousal and generate friction and pleasure together, you are part of something larger than you, and are accepted into it wholly, just as you are.
Practicing these steps, and making intentional time to take your clothes off and touch and stimulate your genitals is how you learn to love them. They bring only joy and pleasure into your world, no matter their size or shape.
When you introduce them to others, others experience joy and pleasure because of them! That’s wild! Think about that. Just seeing your penis erect and aroused can make other people feel aroused and erect. Seeing another man grow hard generates a sympathetic reaction in my own penis, until I am as hard as he is.
There is nothing short of a Vulcan Mind Meld that can evoke that level of sensory connection in men. Your penis is incredible. And you should hold that idea in your heart, even if lots of this sounds like hippie dippy, new age, California nonsense.
Your penis is with you always, and exists to join you to all of us in experiencing and expressing pleasure together, as one. Give it its due and treat it with love.
There are lots of ways to move yourself closer to feeling pride in your body and your penis. These are just some tips that have helped me and others over the course of many years. It might be a long journey, but the rewards of being able to love yourself more fully and to use that love to find others who know it—that’s what it’s all about bro. That’s the whole thing.
This really resonated with me. My source of penis shame started in childhood. I had mostly female relatives, and I heard over and over how bad men were, how they hurt and raped women. I wanted those relatives to love me, so knowing I had something that they all seemed to hate and fear, led me to a lot of shame. I spent my childhood hiding my penis, and pretending I didn’t have one. Also, when I was about 7 or 8, I was playing show and tell with 2 other boys in my neighborhood. (Probably in an attempt to unhide my penis with other boys), and we got caught. And my parents were so angry with me. That reinforced the notion that having a penis was a terrible thing and it led me to hide it even more. It’s taken me years to start getting over this.
Tyler Dårlig Ulv
Thanks for reading, John. But more than that, thank you for your candor in sharing. Like I said at the top of this post, it’s a really big deal that guys like you take time out of your life to say “hey, yeah me too,” or “wow this really resonated.” Leaving a thoughtful comment here—it may seem like a small thing to you, but for everyone who isn’t as able to be open, or who is afraid of what being honest about their fear or shame might do to their life, it’s a big deal. It’s a big deal that you speak so openly and confidently about your experience, and I am intensely grateful.
Seeing our sameness in each other is how we correct the kind of harmful ideas you describe (ideas which may have been imparted with only the best of intentions). And how we can begin to recognize we’re more the same that we are different. I love open masturbation for that fact; that it’s an equalizer and gives us position from which to quickly view someone different to us as not really that different to us.
Glad you’re here.
Fantastic piece! Paragraph #4 VERY IMPORTANT, and so glad someone finally said it! Thanks for that!! And perfect tips. Thanks for those, too!! I’m 60 and a daily masturbator. It has taken years for me to be comfortable with myself; comfortable in my own skinny old skin. But reading this was another wake-up call for me to work harder and loving what I’ve got, and making sure it loves me back! I truly appreciate that. PENIS PRIDE! LOVE IT!!
Tyler Dårlig Ulv
Hiya Chuck. Thanks very much. I absolutely love your openness and I hope you see how special it is you can embrace your sexuality in a public way like this. I hope folks who are 60, 70, 80 + read your words and think (even if it’s just for a quick moment) “oh hey, that’s me too.” Our bodies and our biologies change over time, for sure. But imagining that there’s a retirement age for penis fascination and pride is an absolute myth. Glad for you, buddy. Stick around.
Thank you very much for replying! I always figured I had a unique shame of having a penis. Usually when I tried to google that, I only find men finding shame in the size of their penis, but not shame in just having one. And I didn’t think of all the other shames you mention. Shame in masturbating is a big one, and I also have that one. I have worked long and hard, often with a therapist, to get over the shame of having a penis, but I am not over the shame of masturbating in front of other people, and I never thought that was another shame to get over. Thanks for bringing that up and talking about how you feel.
Wow!!! John, I can so relate to your post. Like you my shame started in my childhood. I still carry a “voice memory” of either my maternal grandmother or my mother saying to me “don’t touch it or I’ll cut it off”. Both of these women were strong/dominating women. Today I have a dysfunctional relationship with my penis/genitals. When I was 5 years old I was sexually abused by 3 older boys. I was humiliated by them for having a small penis (what boy doesn’t have a small penis at that age?). They wanted me to rub it and get it hard. I had already been “conditioned” to be ashamed of my penis and didn’t want to rub it. Back in those days (mid 1950’s), society was much more religious and I had already been conditioned to believe God and Jesus could “see” everything that I did. The boys threatened to kill me if I didn’t do as they wanted so I did rub it and get hard, but a part of me “disconnected” from what was happening around me. Maybe I disconnected as a way of trying to survive what was happening to me. I was terrified and traumatised, expecting God and Jesus to throw down bolts of lightning, hell-fire, and brimstone and I would burn in hell for eternity (my parents/grandparents had really done a good number on me about my genitals and religion!). After it had all finished I tried telling mum what had happened and her response was “shut up, forget it, don’t think about it”. So here I am 66 years later still with a dysfunctional relationship with my genitals. This post of Tyler’s has really shaken some of the cobwebs out of my mind and I’m so grateful to him and you John. I do try to take some pride with my penis. Even today I know that it is not big but I am starting to learn to love “the li’l fella”. Thank you for sharing here.
Thank you for replying Phil! I’m so sorry all that happened to you as a kid. My mother was strong, but not dominating. But if I had to adjust things to be more comfortable, my mother would always tell me to stop doing that. One more reason to be ashamed when I was a kid for having a penis. As an adult I have been getting over it. I have seen regular therapists, but the person I went to for help started the ball rolling into acceptance. He was a sex counselor, and he told me to just drop my pants in front of him. Wow was that hard, but I did it, and he told me all kinds of amazing things that changed my thinking. He told me how beautiful it was, how it was a gift, and how many other people would actually want it and enjoy it. Amazing experience that kind of lit a light bulb in my head. I hope you can continue on your journey and find peace.
John, thanks for your feed-back and understanding. I too spent many years in clinical psychotherapy which wasn’t going anywhere, so I ended that at the end of 2018. Over the years I thought of seeing a sex therapist but only half-heartedly and never followed through. But John, thanks to you, you’ve given me just the right “nudge” and I’ve just contacted a sex therapist via his web email page enquiring about a booking to discuss further with him
I have a somewhat different take on this for two reasons. I lost the ability to pop a rod about five years ago. I can masturbate to ejaculation most of the time but it takes a lot of flogging to get there.
At about the same time I had a reawakening of sexual desire. It could have been very frustrating but, lemonade from lemons, I took it upon myself to get in touch with my inner bottom ha ha. The sensations and pleasure I get from another man’s cock aren’t a substitute for not getting them from my own; rather, it’s the flip side of the same coin. My goal is to make a sexual experience the best it can be for the two us then and there by combining the physical and emotional talents we bring to the fuck.
I have struggled throughout my life to accept positive feedback. Minimizing or ignoring it became my default. In the last year I have grown an appreciation for compliments given to me. The mechanism was unusual: I developed a page on OnlyFans. My goal was/is to demonstrate that older men (I’m 70) are sexual beings with the accompanying drive and ability to please ourselves and others. What an eye-opener. I didn’t expect the compliments and positive feedback I received. I hadn’t thought of my physical self as warranting support and engendering desire. And yet there I was, reading those comments with a growing sense of satisfaction and, dare I say it, pride. It took hearing it from strangers with no skin in the game for me to internalize the same compliments I’d heard from my husband for 40 years. What a tangled web I wove.
Was my tale all about penis pride? No, since my ass was heavily involved, too. Tyler’s post spoke to me about how pride of penis (and other sexual organs) increases sexual satisfaction, personal acceptance and expansion of one’s horizons; penis pride is an integral part of sexual health. He’s a penis promoter, a dick devotee, a geeb guy, a snake supporter, and a cock connoisseur. The penis mightier than the sword. Write on, Bad Wolf.
P.S. The website field won’t allow me to enter the URL my onlyfans page, which is free and from which I receive no compensation, so I didn’t.
I wonder if it’s wholesome to use “private parts” not as a self-descriptor, but as a boundary about what you want to share about your body and with whom?
I’m very troubled about kids being required to pass genital inspections to play in school sports, for instance, or the assorted policing we’ve been through about gendered public bathrooms. There’s got to be some power in being able to tell people “No, YOU don’t get to pass judgment on my genitals.” (Or any other part of your own body that you don’t feel like subjecting to scrutiny on demand.)
I agree that it is amazing to love one’s own body, to respect it, and to take pride in all its parts. I also think that privacy — the option to share or not — might be a helpful part of that. Other people’s opinions aren’t always helpful, and I think it’s good to have a way to explicitly mark them as inappropriate.