WikiHow, the bestower of knowledge about how to do really random stuff, presents: how you to wash your penis.

I stole the header graphic for this post from a WikiHow article the other day, and I’ve been thinking about that article ever since. I guess it makes sense, on some level, that this would be a question that more than one guy was walking around with, but it offered no shortage of amusement to me that someone might be googling “how do I wash my penis?” and ending up on this very detailed guide. It is mildly surprising that they weren’t able to illustrate even some of what they’re talking about here, instead choosing to show those trademark WikiHow drawings of “general showering,” “ironically shouting soap,” and “thinking about no smegma.”

Let’s take a look:

“Expert Reviewed!” What a relief! They don’t say who the “expert” is or which part they endorse here, but that’s comforting to me somehow, nonetheless.

They should promote this by adding that “learning how to properly clean your penis” will also help you get your penis into more mouths, overall.

This is surprisingly good and accurate information! I especially appreciate the part about not using fancy soaps made for other parts of the body on your actual penis. You’d be shocked to learn how far into my adult life it was before I realized scented soaps were causing this weird irritation on my dick from time to time. Now it’s Cetaphil or nothing under that skin. Sometimes it’s nothing just cause I like how things are going/smelling that day.

I’m a big fan of body powder when it’s hot outside, but they’re right that you should “resist the urge to powder the penis!” I would also recommend resisting the urge to put the Pittsburgh Steelers logo on your penis too, unlike that guy in the illustration.

Let’s look at the cut version (it’s probably slightly shorter – lol):

Boy that seems a LOT shorter! That’s not fair! There’s two whole steps missing compared to the uncircumcised version!

These are pretty good tips, tbh. Especially that one about washing your dick in the sink when you’re traveling or not showering due to “personal preference.” That’s its own minefield, if you ask me, but I’m a multiple-times-a-day showerer.

A lot of this seems to come down to really spending some time with your penis every day. Thinking about it and looking at it and treating it well (accessories, some coconut oil, and properly fitting underwears that don’t smash your good stuff down are all some ways to pay more attention to what is – let’s be honest – our favorite body part). “Contemplate your penis,” I continue to shout over on tumblr! Do it every day! Get to know you better!

And it wouldn’t be the internet without people asking some questionable questions, as followup:

Without being reactionary here, I think someone ought to reach out to ALL of these people to see if they need more help, because if you’re typing things like “can I use shampoo on my penis” into the webz, it might be too late for this article to help you.

Please don’t wash your penis with shampoo. And please don’t tell your kids (or anyone) that they shouldn’t touch their own penis as much as they want to. It leads to questions like “is it safe to touch my penis” and a lifetime of questions, regrets, and problems.

-t