Bulge Watching: Epic creeper vids, ahoy!
I never know when Bulge Nation is going to update, since it seems a little irregular these days. But luckily I usually get an email when they do, and this morning’s email sent me to this post, which lead me to this tumblr. Which made my penis really hard for some reason, so I figured I’d sift around a bit and see if there was anything special my dick was calling out for.
Lo and behold, a new form of internet weirdness entranced me: old guy creeper bulge videos. I genuinely didn’t know this was a thing! I’ve watched about a dozen of these so far this morning and some are awesome. Some are hilarious. Some are just boring and weird. But these are the best three I’ve come across so far:
Old Dude Statue Bulge
This guy hardly moves for the entire video and you can’t really tell in any of these if these dudes suspect that they’re being filmed. But that doesn’t stop my eyes from being glued to the spot, hoping to see it bounce a little.
Legs Spread Unreasonably Wide Bulge
This guy is good support for my argument that these guys know exactly what they’re doing in showing off these huge, heavy-looking, meaty packages in public. There’s no way that’s how he just happened to plop down on that park bench.
Romantic, Musical Bulge
This is probably the creeperist of all the videos here, but it’s also my favorite. I have no idea what possessed someone to lay this song over this video, but it made me laugh and smile the whole time. So did this dude’s casual, accidental (but not accidental) contact with his hefty package.
A friend of mine tried to argue with me once that these guys were just innocent victims who had no idea that they were doing or displaying anything inappropriate. And I’ve thought about that point a lot over the years. While there is certainly an element of ‘innocent victim’ involved in any video taken without someone’s knowledge, these guys know what they’re doing. And they know how they look. It just isn’t possible that they’re oblivious to it.
As someone who is fascinated by bulges and owns several pairs of pants, I will tell you that it is often a struggle to keep my underwear and pants from smashing my bulge down to an uncomfortable point. I overcome this with cockrings, and by stretching the fabric of under/pants before I put them on, so as to accommodate my genitals without really constraining them. But to achieve the degree of bulginess that some of these guys got, being completely unaware just isn’t possible. Especially when there’s denim involved (I’ve no idea how you get jeans to bulge like this. Dudes must really be able to bring it, in the dick department).
Check out these three dudes and tell me they don’t know exactly what they’re doing here:
The case for these guys being oblivious to what their packages look like is based on desexualizing men past a certain age. Why would they need to display prominent genital bulges? They’re old! Right? Except that isn’t how it works. These bros may be older, but to think of them as sexless (or “cute” as so many sites like to say) is offensive and reductive. They’re showing off what they got because they like it. It feels good. And it likely draws a type of attention that they maybe don’t get in a lot of other ways, because of society’s proclamation that advanced age is akin to sexual hibernation or death for men.
You go, old dudes. I can’t wait for the day I can fill out some trousers this way, then sit on a park bench all afternoon with my legs spread wide open, confusing all the little boys who walk by and can’t figure out why they suddenly wanna rub it so bad.
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