Nothing quite like directness, right?
It should be said that even I get tired of the sound of my own voice bouncing around in here, championing the same behaviors, the same thoughts, and the same guys, again and again. It’s something of an echo chamber that way. That’s why I think it’s good to get some other sounds in here every now and then and I knew this piece about fucking from my friend Paul (the former owner of the OxBalls Mechanic Cockring I love so dearly) would be a good sound to bring into the mix.
Paul runs the Rain City Jacks (the spermy Seattle brother to the New York Jacks), and writes about his own sexual goings on over at jackdaddy.me. His essay on the significance of anal penetration and its perceived necessity for sex between two men is thoughtful and personal and makes my penis just that much harder for him. Knowing there’s like a big brain of fascinating thoughts attached to a man who is already so physically appealing to me is just like brilliant icing on one of those penis-shaped cakes I never got to try.
Anyway. It’s worth your read, and Paul raises some points that I’ve discussed with so many people over the years about how men sometimes feel compelled into penetrative sex when it may just not be their bag. And that’s totally fine.
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Fucking
via jackdaddy.me
There’s a guy I fuck these days. He’s mostly my type: Hairy, horny, bearded and playful. He’s also one of these guys very into anal sex and specifically being a bottom. For whatever reason, he is into me and into me topping him. It’s a decent FB relationship because there’s mutual attraction. BUT…
I’m just not all that into fucking. I get tired of it after a while. Pounding deep into another man is fun for me, but it doesn’t really get me off. I almost never orgasm this way. What I enjoy is my partner’s pleasure and that a bottom can get off just from me fucking him. The thing is, I’m being #GGG here, not really going for what I myself enjoy the most from sex.
Let’s call him “John” because that’s not his name and it’s as generic as it gets. John hits me up all the time. I like him. If I didn’t like him and his attention, I’d do the fade away or just give him a gentle brush-off. My dick does pop out of my pants fully hard whenever we get together, and he does turn me on. It’s a decent opportunity for sweaty mansex on the regular and I do enjoy it. I just don’t cum with him. I fuck him until he comes, then I just relax with him for a while, chat a bit and then we part ways on good terms.
And then I masturbate or get a blow job and release a sperm load made massive from lots of prolonged fucking.
Then there’s “Mike,” another pseudonymous friend, for whom I have long held an intense attraction. When I got the opportunity to romp with him, I was once again confronted with a great guy who needed a hard fuck to feel satisfied. I adore this man. We’re Facebook friends and he remains one of my favorite individuals but after finding out that his needs are the needs of the voracious bottom, I’m just not into getting naked with him again. He still turns me on like crazy but when I imagine the follow-through, I lose the drive to make anything happen IRL. If he asked me to fuck him again, I probably would but unless we mixed it up, I know that an orgasm wouldn’t be in the cards and I really like orgasms.
There have been a very few situations when I actively wanted to fuck a partner and an equally small number of times when I wanted to be fucked. It is, for me, a very rare, very intimate, very particular desire and I’m all for exploring that when it happens. But I genuinely do not experience these specific acts as “mandatory” for the purpose of having great, deeply satisfying sex with another man and I feel sorry for guys whose satisfaction depends on that one act as if nothing else was sex.
I don’t like to specifically label myself a “masturbator” (at least, not when I’m doing anything other than masturbating) because while that is absolutely one of the things I am, it’s not my defining characteristic. Neither is being a top or a cocksucker. Those identities exist in the fantasies and beliefs of my sex partners. They see me as a top, or a bottom, or a cocksucker, or a bator or whatever… I see myself as a sexually engaged gay man. My goal in this realm is to be a good man for and with other men. That includes being a good lover, whether I’m penetrating another man’s holes or masturbating with strangers at a public urinal. I just want moments to be as good as they can be and for us to get what we need from these multitudes of acts connecting us with each other.
To masturbate with another man, to share our primary sexual activities with each other, has long felt to me like my easiest path to having sex with just about anybody. Displaying and demonstrating my self-love with another and being given permission to experiment with their most personal pleasure in the moment is my favorite sex, sex in which I almost always orgasm freely and with the most intensity. That’s me.
And I’m still going to do other things because life is short, different people need different things and I never, ever want to find myself in a rut.
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He’s a smart cookie with a big fun penis. You should follow jackdaddy.me and Paul on twitter. And if you’re in Seattle with any regularity, and haven’t attended the Rain City Jacks, then idek what you’re doing here. Because it really seems like you should’ve done that by now.
-t
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One thing I’ve become more and more aware of in my sexual life over the past two years or so is that I have different sexual needs depending on the day and the guy I’m with. So I have some guys who are great for lying there and holding each other and jerking off and just having a good long buddy bate, and then I have a different set of guys for when I want to fuck or get a bj. And after that testing the waters moment with a new guy I can usually fit them into one of those two categories. I can’t even really say what, if anything, is similar between those in each group, and I have no idea why some days I want one or the other, but maybe as I explore more I’ll figure it out.
This is totally true. Chemistry is everything, and changes based on your partner, the scenario, and even how you’re feeling that particular day. To have a prescribed act that you have to go through to have accomplished “sex” is totally counterintuitive to this and what leaves so many people feeling turned off by the notion that penetrative sex is IT.
Keep doing you. Anybody who wants you to do something else isn’t worth your time.
-t
This resonates with me. I came to terms with who I am very late, and lacking experience ‘decided’ I was a bottom, mainly because I didn’t have the confidence to be a top and I assumed it was a binary choice. There was no ecstasy, but I liked the intimacy and the idea that the other guy enjoyed it. Truth is, I enjoy the ‘just rolling around’ and eventually was asked if I really enjoyed anal and had to say it didn’t do much for me. Doesn’t mean I’ll stop, but I’ll have thought through why I am doing it and not be afraid to just do other things if that’s what works in the moment.
Oh, Mike. Dude. If you knew how common this is.
There’s so much about ego and confidence and body issues that goes into guys “deciding” their role. And we often never have a chance to work that stuff out properly or with a partner as adults.
The most sexually advanced/mature dudes I know can play both sides depending on how they feel that day or with that person, and they know that penetration isn’t going to make or break their orgasm. There’s so much other stuff to be had (as Paul has so eloquently outlined above)!
I think you’re on a good path. Think about what it means to you more, and find guys that you can talk to honestly about what it means to them. Your way of approaching it and the sort of neutral regard you have for bottoming is prevalent. You are far from the only one.
-t