You know what that means!
Hi friends! I’ve really missed coming in here to talk about cool stuff or people or art I love. But life is just so weird all the time now.
And my job is weird to begin with. As an online naked person and escort, it feels in some strange way as though a part of my job is to keep my personal miseries out of the spotlight. I’m not somebody who takes any comfort or relief in having my difficult times seen and explained to others. I’ve written before about my personal struggles with anxiety and depression, but they’re never the focus of this blog or my Twitter or IG presences. Nor are they attractive ideas to carry into my escort work.
Mostly I reserve discussion about them here as an explanation for why I’ve been absent and quiet. I suppose this post isn’t really an exception to that.
If you’ve been following along with my adventures this last year, you know I lost my big work project early on in the pandemic, but decided to go through with my planned move to Berlin anyway. While that was delayed a couple of times due to border openings and closings, I managed to arrive on the ground here at the beginning of October and had a few weeks to roam around my new city and see some sights. We were all wearing masks, but restaurants were open and I was posted up at a nice hotel for a few weeks before I could take possession of my flat.
By November the decision was made to go into what was gently termed “lockdown light” and things began to close and travel became more difficult. Gyms were shut until further notice, and even getting administrative things like my Anmeldung accomplished became more challenging.
A month of “light” led to “full” lockdown and Berliners spent December and January largely in their homes. For me that meant at home, by myself, in a city where I hadn’t even had the chance to make new friends.
Now, toward the end of February and amidst endless extensions of that same lockdown, I can’t work here until my visa is approved (hopefully next month!), I can’t workout because there haven’t been gyms since November, and I can’t leave because going to the US means a real struggle to prove I’m permitted to come back to Berlin later.
This has been terrible for my mood and my outlook, to say the least.
It has grown increasingly difficult to reply to kind messages and thoughts shared on Telegram or by email, and my backlog of “oh, that’s nice. I must get back to them this week,” has become a reason not to look at my phone some days.
The loss of my in-person work for the last year has been like a kind of slow starvation. I understand that everyone who comes to sex work does so for their own deeply personal reasons, and they grapple with the impacts and effects of the work in the best ways they can. For me, it has always been a kind of nourishment and I believe that for that reason I am uniquely suited to it. That it is, in fact, my calling. Being present, holding space, and bearing witness – these are regenerative actions. They are emotionally expensive actions, and draining in the moment. But the things I have learned and the people I have known through them are beyond compare. Living without these connections has been like living without water.
But it’s not all grim. There is a pendulum swing to this sort of perpetual holding pattern. Yesterday, the sun was out for nearly the whole day, the snow of the last week had vanished entirely, and all of Berlin was outside enjoying almost 15C temperatures. I walked along the canal for about three hours and felt, more than once, the attraction to this city I first experienced back in 2019. It struck me that I could figure this out – would find a way to make it work. Ich weiß das ist so.
A pair of freelance writing projects I was excited for seem to have all but vanished for me. I’m not sure what to make of that, but am doing my best to take nothing personal these days. I’ve read the Four Agreements a couple of times the last few months (it’s short, and I’ve developed a fondness for self help books this past year) and the idea that “nothing is really ever about you” is one I’m trying mindfully to fold into my day to day life. You may see it pop up again here.
Some days I am so sad that I feel like I might just stop existing. And some days I feel righted again; confident about who I am and what I have to offer. There isn’t much balance to those two opposites right now. The pendulum swings one way for a while, and then suddenly back the other way. But I wanted you to know that I’m still here. And I’m ok most days.
I know in my heart that this isn’t forever.
But right now it is intensely challenging. I often don’t feel up to that challenge. But I miss you, and I mean you. That you come here and read my words and leave me comments and send me letters is a kind of nourishment in itself. And I don’t take it for granted in the slightest. Traffic to this blog has only increased the last six months, even despite my infrequent posting and maudlin letters like this one.
I am so grateful. I will stick around if you will.